randomness

All my thoughts, smooshed.

Yeah, I'm a turner

I turn pages all the time

Don't like where I'm at, 34 was bad

So I just turn to 35

These lyrics from Miranda Lambert’s Bluebird feel like a cool breeze on a very hot summer day. It’s just what you need when you’ve been running. To be a turner means that you move on. All the time. I can’t relate to being 35 but I do know that when something is working against you, you turn to the next thing for you. You detach. Her voice makes it sound easy, light even, which it is in theory but hardly ever in practice.

I feel like this entire year I’ve been turning pages. I feel like I’ve attached myself to things, people, and scenarios which has made it hard to turn the page. It’s felt like this week turning the page is something I never have control over, but I do, as long as I detach a little.

I’m a visionary and I produce dreams effortlessly. I see the vision of myself, my highest self always so clearly. That’s why I pray that I can continue to turn, to detach.

I can see it now – I live in a mountain town with a lot of space. I have access to a real community relying on each other and utilizing mutual aid. Hobbies not for pay but for connection. Regularly shared dinners and living rooms full of laughter and light.

I have a house that allows me to access hikes and overlooks a sightline of trees. My house feels warm and light. It feels like home. My house is spacious and light comes in from every angle. It’s earthy. Morning reiki, plants, tea, a wall of books, intentional space to slow down. Running a business where I still travel but am focused on my individual and collective healing. One where the cash flow is abundant for what I need. The ability to take and replenish. It’s a dream that I love to think about and always come back to because it feels possible. it feels real. somewhere out there my higher self has it. And it’s amazing.

I’m always like: do you create or do you feel? If I create, I spend months going deep and push out a symbol of my thoughts. If I feel, it’s disorganized, it’s passive, it’s introspective. But both should be true right, feeling and going deep. I don’t know what to do in the meantime. Am I going fast enough, slow enough? When will I reach my dream…?